Firefly
by MidgetGem1985
Summary: What do you do - When you know something is bad for you and you still can't let go? Follow Jessica Michaels through life, love and loss. inc. Orton, Matt&Jeff, Edge, Stephanie, Hunter, Michaels, Cena and many more
1. White Horse

"_Jessica! Please come back so we can talk about this!"_

"_If I won't pick up the phone, talk to you backstage or even return a text what in your tiny little pea that you call a brain makes you even think that I will talk to you about this out here. No offence guys but seriously?"_

"_Just hear me out" _

I paused and turned on my heel. Anger simmered through my veins at those four helpless words. He was begging – begging me to stay, listen to his hapless excuses about something that we had been over and over until there was nothing to go over any more.

"_Hear you out about what Randy? How can I hear you out when you cannot give me a better answer than I don't remember?" _

"_Your right Jess, you are right I do not remember but I know that I love you and I would never do that, ever."_

An involuntary cynical chuckle escaped from my throat as I tried to swallow back my emotions.

**Say you're sorry  
That face of an angel comes out  
Just when you need it to  
As I pace back and forth all this time  
'Cause I honestly believed in you**

"_Now folks I would just like to make clear that we have no idea what is going on here – this was not supposed to happen, we are live and sometimes the unexpected happens. We are live and unedited; some say it is the beauty of live television. I doubt Jessica Michaels would call this raucous Randy Orton seems to be causing beautiful at this very moment."_

I began making my way back to the ring. Rage was my fuel as I returned. How could he do this to me? After everything that we did to keep our private life and relationship private and now he pulls a stunt like this?

**Holdin' on,  
The days drag on  
Stupid girl  
I should've known, I should've known**

"_So how did she get my number? How did she know where you were when I didn't? How do you explain that Randy? Huh? Oh that's right you can't because you can't remember."_

We were now almost nose to nose; I could see Randy searching my eyes for something – anything that would give this spectacle validation. And then he surprised me as he got to his knees – a sick, twisted replay of three years ago.

"_Jess, remember – it was in this very ring, this state in which you agreed to marry me-"_

"_I remember"_

His eyes shone as he saw a ghost of encouragement to this mission.

"_We can still do that, forget this and move on with our lives."_

**That I'm not a princess  
This ain't a fairytale  
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet  
Lead her up the stairwell**

What was the point in whispering into a microphone? The eeriness of the silence of the full arena deafening as he waited for an answer, Randy dropped the microphone and circled his hands to around waist, almost as though this would change anything. _"Please"_ he whispered as he looked up into my eyes. Still searching. _"No"_ I said, the microphone now inadequate as it fell to the floor and I pushed him back.

**This ain't Hollywood,  
This is a small town  
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down**

Trying to regain any dignity and composure I had left I backed out of the ring as my music hit. Was the music really necessary? Was it a ploy by Vince McMahon to make this seem as if this scene was supposed to happen? I was greatful for the attempt but I was no longer as naive as I once was, the fans knew, the world knew. My world had now completely crumbled around me and there was no way of rebuilding what was now broken. I took of the ring – the stupid ring that we had spent all day looking for; it still didn't fit, ironic if you think about it really, and threw it to the crowd. They could keep it, pawn it – I didn't really care, all I wanted to do was get to Carolina and forget the world existed.

**Now its too late for you and your White Horse,  
To come around.**


	2. Down

Eight Years. Three Months. Two Days. I didn't count the hours.

Gone

10 deaths

Countless Marriages

2 Almost Babies

7 Broken Bones

Bitter Disappointments

Extreme Joys

Modelling

Marines

Leaving Modelling

Army Prison

2 Diamond Albums

8 Championship Reigns

Gone

All That was left:

1 Proposal

1 Phonecall

1 Drunken Night

1 Very Public Finality

I was numb. Selfishly I felt less able to feel than the night my mother died. All that was left was that tingling feeling that subsided as the heaviness set it, the gut wrenching internal screaming of suppressed tears and howls of pain. The animalistic urge to kick, hurt – do anything as long as you can feel something, anything other than the heaviness and the tingling. No thoughts entered my mind other than masochistic replays as I tried to understand what had happened, how it had happened, when it had happened, why it had happened. Searching for answers in which there were none that would be satisfactory to even the smallest of questions of any such event. Let alone a succession, one after another, like the steady procession of tremors after the devastation of an earthquake.

**I shot for the sky  
I'm stuck on the ground  
So why do I try, I know I'm gonna to fall down  
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?**

I was sixteen when my mom died. Maybe that was some form of an inadequate reason as I felt less devastated than I do now, perhaps the memory had subsided, had been blocked out and put to the back of my mind. However the events of the past six weeks made this feeling fresh; like a cut or a break that begins to heal and then you scrape it again or move in a strange way and the pain comes flooding back.

My life; my world as I knew it had come crashing down around me within a matter of weeks. Finding out about the baby. My leg. The miscarriage. The phonecall. The twenty four hours spent trying to decipher what we could save of our relationship. The ending of our relationship. The scene on Raw. It was over. And now I had to go about rebuilding a life that was now empty. Fear and self pity consumed my every pore. I could not rebuild. I could not think. I could not be.

**Never know why it's coming down, down, down.  
Oh I am going down, down, down  
Can't find another way around  
And I don't want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.**


	3. Jack and Coke

"_Jessica, are you trying to recreate summer or something?"_

I stared.

"_Damn it Jessica, look at me"_ I stared. I heard him sigh and then he knelt to my eye line and looked at me. Sympathy and concern filled his features. _"Do not let him win. I refuse to allow you to let him win."_

I continued to stare. _"I am cold."_

"_Jeff? Do you have anything to contribute?"_

Jeff, who had been rattling around in my kitchen after disguarding his hoody in the lobby, appeared wearing just a baggy wifebeater and those leopard pants that I could have sworn Matt and I buried around four years ago. Carrying a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a bottle of coca cola in the other with a swagger that i could only describe as reminiscint of Jack Sparrow with his rum. I would have smiled if it didn't hurt.

I eyed him wearily as he came closer with his loot.

"_Now, Jessica; we have given you a month of this and quite frankly it is scaring us – See I'm being serious now so you better listen y'hear?"_ He paused for a response, and then continued. "I love you, we all love you." Shuffling outside drew my attention towards the front door. Jeff raised his voice slightly as if trying to compete with the soft noise filtering through the mail box. He then tilted my head with his finger in order to look me in the eye _"Tot I say with this all seriousness – shower, you stink. And then we will all go out for lunch. Or dinner, or whatever. Because we ain't leavin' until you are back to your regular day clothes wearing self." _Matt pulled a face at Jeff – as if he were ridiculing his statement. I gave in and smiled as I got up and walked towards the stairs. And then i remembered his loot.

"_Jeff?"_

"_Yes Jelly Tot"_

"_What is with the Jack and Coke?"_

Matt chuckled.

"_You'll find out soon enough."_

*****30 Minutes Later*****

Ok, so Jeff was right – I did need a shower. He was also right that the promise of chocolate chip pancakes and decent coffee would win me round. And just as i was thinking what great friends i had in those two – i heard it. Car engines. At least three. One right after another. Car doors opening; car doors shutting. A very shrill screech. Worshiping of land. Banging on the front door. Aw crap – company. Lots of it. And then Matt's words sprung out at me. "You'll find out soon enough."

Jeff had appealed to the model side of me – the side that had had Janice Dickinson as a mother figure for most of my teenage life; even more so after my mother died. I had to make an effort – only a few select people got to see me looking like ass. Three WWE car fulls of them – was not part of the select few. So i towel dried my hair – the beach surfer look worked for me, luckily. Threw on minimum make up – but enough to feel a tad like war paint. And the most comfortable jeans and t shirt that i could find that did not remind me of Randy – or as my brother refers to as "He Who Shall Not Be Named." He is eight and picks up on things very quickly – comparing Randy to Voldemort in his world is like comparing someone to Hitler in ours. Yes Cam has sat me down and explained to me the entire Harry Potter insults after I asked why some kid called me Bellatrix after I superkicked Dwayne last year. No I am not over that.

Ahhh uggs – thank god for uggs. This is how I know that God exists and gave my dad license to stop preaching to me; someone sent down from heaven was sent to make the most comfortable boots ever: and they would be uggs. No I have not told him that – i love my dad and I do not want to give him a heartattack; and I truly believe he would give me another leaflet on the importance of the scriptures. He tries.

So the scene i walk down into is like Bedlam has been reborn in my living room. Mountains of suitcases. Packaged foods everywhere, games consoles, dvds. Think teenager girls slumber party then magnify it by the weight of the Big Show – and there you have the mess of my living room. The heating has not been turned off but every door, window, airvent reachable has been opened. But where was everybody?

"_Hunter – i swear to God these goofs need to put on some clothes infront of my daughter – we are not in Kansas anymore."_ Long Pause. _"Stop looking at me like that you know what I mean."_ The distinct echo told me that my father and 'uncle' were somewhere in the vicinity of my downstairs bathroom/spa. The upside of working throughout my teen years was that I could actually have an indoor swimming pool, steam room, sauna and Jacuzzi in my basement.

Crash

"_Oomph; oh crap – what you smirking at Cena?"_

"_Dude get out of character – its annoying when you have to do it and its even more annoying when you don't."_

ADAM! Finally someone who will preach to me and will just let me be – and stand up for me in the inevitable Chinese vs Indian take-out debate. However there was something about hearing the crash then snappiness echo around the room that made the image in my head hilarious; i started laughing and could not stop.

"_Jeff I thought you said she had supplies?"  
"Stephanie –supplies meant booze, bread, butter, erm whatever Jess eats – Stephanie the girl eats and shops alot. I just figured she had them."  
"Jeff how long has it since she has been back to Calabasas?"  
Pause. "Since last time we were in Calabasas?"  
"Exactly"_

"_Exactly"_

"_DON'T MOCK ME BOY"_

Ah normality. With my gorgeous invading friends, and John – that was slightly weird but ok. By the sudden southern twang coming from Stephanie I figured she must have rode with Jeff and Matt – as that Conneticut/NC twang was not a natural one.

"_Now darlings – where is my Jack and Coke?"_ Janice? Janice Dickinson – in my house? With John, Jeff, Matt, Adam, Stephanie, Paul and my Dad. Janice? This cannot be good.

I stepped out of the hallway and made my way towards the curious noise. It could not me Janice. No way. No fucking way.


	4. Nemo Got What He Deserved

********OK, we are ignoring the marriage, Lita and most of storylines

"Hey Kid,"  
"Hey – I am not a kid" I didn't even bother to look up as Adam came into the room with two plates and stretched out on the bed holding his arms behind his head.  
"You are younger than me and therefore shall be named kid." And stuck his tongue out. I hit him on the shoulder. "Kid"  
"Jerk"

We both glanced at each other and smiled. Adam and I have a weird history; when he first came to the WWF I didn't like him. I can't explain why I just didn't. There was just something that I didn't get - and we didn't bother to mask our mutual dislike for each other. It had gotten to a point where one day the others forced us to ride together and that was that – after four hours driving in silence we got to talking and the rest is history.

"What we watching?"  
"The TV"  
"No shit Sherlock"  
"Some Spanish Telenovella"  
"What are they saying"  
"I don't know but they seem sad"

He looked at me with that look of pity that Matt had worn when they had all turned up three days ago. He shuffled in an attempt to put his arm around me – which failed as with the plates which he was balancing on his legs began to slide – sending him scrambling to retrieve them before the food came off of them.

"Adam ... watcha got there?"  
"Ermmm" he inspected the plate with a look of disdain and what I could only describe as fatalistic intrigue at the two plates "What looks like chicken wings and skittles?"  
"You all got take out?"  
"Nope your dad and Paul have taken over the kitchen – and seeing as nobody drinks Jack Daniels every meat has been covered in a Jack Daniels sauce." I pictured my Dad and Paul standing in the kitchen – chef hats on; spatulas in hands – bickering over the stove. My poor, poor kitchen. The mixture of fear and amusement must have read on my face as Adam just nodded and sighed "Yup; exactly."

I wearily took a wing and eyed it suspiciously – it looked edible; smelled edible – but was it actually edible – after all Paul had been responsible for reportedly half of the cooking, I know my dad can cook.  
"They are good"  
I laughed – "So what was the look for?"  
"What look?"  
"The look that screamed EWWW"  
"I have a look that screams ewww?"  
"Yes" I tried to replicate it "Like this"  
He looked at me and laughed "Freakazoid"

"You love me" I giggled.  
"That I do." 

And with that we fell into a comfortable silence for about twenty minutes just watching the moving images on the screen. One thing with Adam – he is allot like his character in many ways. You can tell when he is joking; and you can tell when he is deadly serious – but the moods in between are a grey area – in which he could mean anything.

"Jess"  
"Hmmph"  
"Everything is going to be ok y'know"  
"I know"

"Jess"  
"Yes Adam"  
"Can we turn this over"

I handed him the remote as he passed me the bowl of skittles and moved the chicken wings from his lap to the cabinet next to my bed and put his arm around my shoulders as I snuggled into his chest while he channel surfed. I felt him look down at me when he started smoothing my hair after he settled on a movie. We laid there in silence for what seemed like an hour just staring at the screen.

"Poor Nemo in that big ocean all alone" The film had actually started to affect Adam more than expected as he sniffed back a tear.  
"Well he shouldn't have disobeyed his dad then should he"  
I felt him shuffle underneath me and I looked up to a shocked expression on his face "You'll catch flies"  
"But-"  
"No buts the kid got what he deserved – there is a moral to this story"  
"To stay in a small and boring rule filled society and not explore and spread your fins?"  
"Dad always knows best; you disobey dad and you end up being taking from the big ocean and swimming around in circles in a teeny tiny fish tank in a dentist's office"  
"Spoiler alert!"  
"Oh sorry"  
"You are so wrong about this movie"  
"Nope" and I picked up a handful of skittles and threw them at him. he scrunched up his nose and flashed that trademark grin as he reached for the bowl I promptly moved away holding the bowl above my head as Adam grabbed my waist trying to stop me from getting away – he chuckled as I lost my balance and I moved my leg to regain it – skittles flying everywhere however I still managed to maintain my grip on the bowl that I was holding above my head as his hands remained firmly on my waist. We both gradually stopped laughing as the atmosphere in the room became electric. I looked into his eyes as we both fell silent however neither moved.

"Give me the skittles" he said smiling softly – his staring eyes on mine.  
"Make me" I replied.

He leaned forward and kissed me circling his arms around my waist as I set the bowl down at the side of me and moved my arms to around his neck tangling my fingers in his long hair. He moved his hands underneath my shirt as both our hands roamed as we broke the kiss so that I could help him lift my shirt over my head. We paused leaning our foreheads together as we caught our breath.

"No; I can't do this" Adam lifted me off of him as he moved away.  
"Wait? What?"  
"This – I cannot do this to you – not now. What kind of person would I be if I took advantage of you when obviously heartbroken; and if we do this now then that ruins any chance that I have been holding for us to get together in the future – I cannot do this to you"  
"Adam" I attempted to move towards his tall form sitting at the foot of my bed "You are not taking advantage of – and do you honestly think I would let you if you were?" I tried to move towards him but he stood up and moved a couple of steps away; regret in his eyes.  
"No, I am I don't know what I was thinking – if we did what we was going to do then that would have been it for our friendship – you would never look at me the same again."

Ok now I was confused. "I love you and you would know that and it is waaay way too soon for both of us to even think about moving on from our exes and there would be too much baggage there and it would never work and we could not be friends anymore;" he had moved towards the window. Wow he can talk fast. I moved from my bed and walked towards him.

"It's not too soon unless you feel in yourself that it's too soon," I touched his arm trying to reassure him and to calm him down. He turned to look at me as if to make sure he wasn't imagining that I was standing next to him.  
"I cannot be the man responsible for re-breaking your heart" he whispered.  
"Then be the one responsible for mending it."


	5. Double Chocolate Chip Pancakes

We stood just staring at each other – complete silence. My heart hammered as I became nervous, one of my best friends in the world had just poured out his heart to me and I loved him I really did – but I had the same hesitations about us getting together. Adam had only been legally divorced for a few months after a messy break-up with his wife when she left a few days after he had had his neck surgery, leaving him almost completely unable to take care of himself and not letting any of us know – yeah nice I know - and Adam completely heartbroken. That reminds me if I ever see that woman again she will get more than a piece of my mind. We had only really just had got the real Adam back, could I really have on my conscience if I was the one to mess this up?

"This doesn't feel too soon" he whispered.

"So shut up and kiss me" I whispered as I circled my arms around his neck as his returned to my lower back. We got lost in each other as he backed me against the wall, a grin forming on his lips as he picked me up and backed me against the wall again. The wall felt cool on my back as I wrapped my legs around his waist.

"This should have happened a long time ago" he said softly against my lips.

I giggled as he reached for the hooks on my bra, discarding it on the floor next to us.

"Now how is this fair? Here I am with only my jeans on and there's you fully clothed?" I replied as I tugged at the bottom of his t-shirt while he was moving backwards towards the bed.

"Well what are you going to do about it then" he said as he sat us down on the edge of the bed, leaving me straddling him. He lifted his arms above his head to help me remove the offending garment – throwing it behind me. His hand pulled my head towards his as our mouths yet again met, he flipped us over so that I was now lying on my back and he was on top of me.

"Jess, JESS," the door flew open and we both froze and looked at the door with wide eyes as we stared at the disturber (*no I could not think of the word lol) as he slapped his hands over his eyes and turned back towards the door "Oh my bad, sorry … I'm … gonna go-" he walked out of the room and closed the door. "I was just sent up to tell you that we are all going to Dennies if you want to join? Or put in an order for a doggie – err take out bag"

Adam and I both turned to look at each other and laughed. He moved to get off of me and kissed my forehead as he stood on his feet and I leant over the bed to retrieve my bra and shirt. Now this will bring up a few questions –

"So…." I said raking a hand through my hair as I got up from the bed – now fully dressed.

"I am happy with whatever you decide" he looked down at me all seriousness back in his eyes. I looked at him wearily "I mean if you decide to take things slow and test the waters and not tell anyone for a while then I am down with that – or if you want to jump in with both feet and announce us to the world I am down with that too"

I weighed up my options.

"I say we keep things quiet for now – and try to take things slow but no acting like we aren't together– after all of them down there came together for me and you a few months ago – they deserve more than being lied to and it can get messy"

"God I was hoping you would say that" he smiled as he opened the door and came face to face with John who looked like he was just about to knock – he couldn't have knocked five minutes ago?

"Yo dude – about earlier – I won't tell anyone …" his face became serious "But if you hurt her" he pointed at Adam and then at me "and if you hurt him" he then pointed at Adam again "I will have to spank ya girlie" he smiled and then looked up at Adam's face "Inappropriate?"

Adam drew in a deep breath "Yeah"

"Sorry dude – for real I am happy for you two… You are both my homies and all I want to see is my homies happy … But for real Randy is my bro – I cannot lie to him, if he asks I am telling him. Y'hear"

"That's fair"

"Guys"  
"Huh" we both answered.

"Act normal"

We all stopped talking as we reached the top of the stairs and seeing a group of disgruntled and hungry superstars gathered by the door looking like impatient children. "JEFF! PANCAKES!" I ran at Jeff and pounced onto his back and he spun around.

"Will you two ever grow up?" Matt snapped sounding irritated. Everyone turned to stare at Matt as Jeff and I stopped horsing around. "I mean it's great that Jess you are less …"  
"Chick from the ring like" Adam chipped in – thanks.

"Yeah exactly – but y'all make me dizzy."

We all laughed as a bounced off of Jeff as everyone began filing outside and reached for my coat and caught eye contact with Adam – girl from the ring – I mouthed in mock horror as he grinned and nodded.

"Who's driving?"

"BUGSY NOT ME"

"Shawn you are too old for Bugsy"

"Son you are never too old to Bugsy SHOTGUN" he shouted as he ran to Hunters SUV and stood by the passenger door.

"Looks like I am one of the drivers" Hunter chuckled as he looked at Stephanie as she got out his keys and her own. "Oh it's on-"he said softly to Steph as her eyes brightened at the thought of a new challenge.

"I'll drive too – whoever can't fit into Hunter's car come into mine and anyone left over choose a driver and meet us there"

"Yes boss" John saluted at her as she grinned.

"I have cup holders in my car so we can stop on the way back if anyone wants too – and I'll let you drink it in the car" he shouted as he revved the engine wiggling his eyebrows at Steph.

Steph smirked back at him. "I have heated seats and a new sound system" as everyone filled into the respective cars. Jeff, Matt and my dad got into Hunter's car as John, Trish, Jay and Amy climbed into Steph's leaving Adam and me standing on my drive.

"Well that worked out fine" he chuckled as we watched them both zoom off racing eachother to Dennies.

"So who's driving?" I said as I stared at where the two cars used to be.

"I got a ride here …"

"Oh I was hoping you would say that" I said as I jumped up and pecked him on the lips as I dug my garage clicker thing out of my coat. "Meet my new baby" I said as we watched the garage door open revealing my new car. "Air conditioning; heated seats, brand new sound system, blacked out windows, huge boot, tons of leg room, and ain't it pretty."

I looked up and smiled at him as I pulled out of the driveway, lifting my sunglasses to sit on my head as I drove down the open road. "Oooh and it tells you what the temperature is outside – it is currently 20 degrees centigrade…. Its European" I shrugged as Adam laughed and stretched out his legs. He put his hands on my knee and I smiled. I missed this.

We drove the rest of the way in silence as Adam admired the scenery. North Carolina was beautiful – especially Cameron but it was far away from everywhere. Which was sometimes a blessing but if you are hungry and really want pancakes it can also be a curse. When we finally pulled into the parking lot Adam walked around and opened my door as I smiled up at him and spotted the rest of the gang waiting at a booth.

"I have just thought – how long have we known eachother?"

"Around five years – why?"

"We have known eachother for that long and this is the first time you have been to my house to stay for more than half hour."

"Huh – I should make up for lost time then"

As we made our way to the table we could hear a heated debate from Jeff and Amy that double chocolate chip does not mean that it will taste better because it is double

"JEFF listen to me"

"No"

"How can you order two things so you have twice as much chocolate chips when there is an option to have double chocolate chips in the one meal that you are buying two singles of" Matt leaned in putting his arm around the back of Amy as he nodded in agreement.

"Because double chocolate chip is nasty" Trish nodded leaning her head on Jeff's shoulder as he rubbed her arm. "You ok there?"

"Yeah – just jet lag" she smiled at him as she leaned in closer to him.

Jay looked up at the confused look on Adam and I's faces and laughed – "yeah that's how I looked this morning" he said as we sat down opposite him and John.

"Seems like everyone is coupling up lately" he smirked at Adam and I "Ouch"

"Sorry leg spasm – happens every now and then, means it's healing" I smiled at him as I poured myself a coffee from the pot. Stephanie, Shawn and Hunter just looked at us all trying to figure out why everyone was acting weird.

"Hiya welcome to Dennies – I am Rachel and I will be taking your order today; are y'all ready to order?"

"Well hello there Rachel-"

"-John keep it in your pants" Stephanie snapped looking at him in disgust "I do not need another lawsuit to deal with right now…" she glared at John "Hi Rachel I would like fried breakfast with hash browns and could you bring over some ketchup as well with that please," she smiled handing over the menu

"I would like the waffles with fruit please Rachel"

"Ooh me too"

"Cheeseburger and fries for me please and a strawberry milkshake"

"Ooh that for me please but with a coca cola"

"Can I have the same please?"

"Me too"

"That too please"

"Can I have chocolate chip pancakes please with a waffle" I smiled up at her as she looked slightly confused and overwhelmed "-it's fine if that's not ok I can live without the waffle" I smiled up at her as she laughed

"No that's fine I just thought I was the only one who ordered that and Jessica Michael's orders the same food as me – I am a huge fan – can I have an autograph before you leave" she went red.

"Jeff what do you want"

"Double chocolate chip pancakes please"


End file.
